Saturday
Personal Log, 14121.4 -
So, I went to see Nemisis yesterday, and walked, what with cars being bad both for the environment and too me personally. 'Bout half way home, walking along 33rd South, I came upon a srynge lying on the ground, needle bent, still half filled with what I can only assume was some sort of narcotic. It was just lying there on the side of the sidewalke, between a mexican eatery and the Navy recruitment center. I emptied whatever was in it on the grass and dropped it down a storm drain.
I'm not Mother Teresa, but I do try and keep the haroin out of reach of children.
Personally, my life is back in it's own little rut. Even with only a half-shift at work (damn holiday slow-down)_I completely missed logistics at Mythic and some of the game-play. I'm debating going out and NPCing half the module, but I'm not sure it's worth the cold. I'll probably just go do research for my history and english reports.
I'm all out of touch with everything. I'm not feeling social enough to call anyone and organize anything, I'm not feeling geeky enough to go to Mythic and I'm not feeling desperate enough to go down to Bricks or maybe even sneak into Zippers and flirt with the drunken faries. Maybe I'll go down to the pawn shop and try and find something interesting for Gwen's secret santa gift. Damn, I should've kept that used haroin needle...
posted by J'myle 11:46 AM
Wednesday
Personal Log, 14121.1 -
I don't want to be someone people are afraid of. I don't want to be the person people are afraid to let their children hang out with. I don't want to be the person people hang out with to piss of their parents. I don't want to be the person people go to for comfort. I don't want to be the person who makes people uncomfortable.
I don't want to be all the things I have a sneaking suspicion I am to a lot of people.
I don't want to scare people. I don't want to please people. I don't want to wallow in pleasure, sleeping in later than I should and inhaling marijuana smoke second-hand from an attractive boy's mouth. I don't want to deprive myself, listening to other people's problems with a sympathetic ear and donating blood after school. I don't want to do all these things in one day, and still have time to light a concert.
I want to sit back and look at people, through a camera lens, once-removed from reality. I want to say, "this whole life thing just isn't my problem." I want that feeling of detachment I had a couple of weeks ago, before I saw Andy or played Mythic or invested myself in anything that wasn't art.
I want to live once-removed. I want to create something that changes my viewpoint on life, that lets me look at things from somewhere other than myself. I want to put on "Piano Man" and write something. I want to turn on X-96 and make a print or two in the darkroom.
I am going to find my muse, wherever he's hiding, and drag him kicking and screaming out into the frontal cortex, and I don't care how many of these "friends and family" people get in my way!
posted by J'myle 10:53 PM
Tuesday
Personal Log, supplimental -
I had something important and insightful to say earlier, but I can't rememer what it is. Damn it, I'm getting very confused by Mi-- well, by a lot of things. I thought I might be part dancer, until we started the movement unit in drama.
Speaking of confused--next, on "All Things Considered" on you're NPR station:
"The president announced today the creation of a new branch of the justice department. The Bureau for the Investigation of Terrorists, Communists, Heathens and Errant Sexualities (BITCHES) will be given wide discretionary powers and chaired by former U.S. Senator Joesph McCarthy..."
Well, if he hired Henry Kissenger to chair a public inquiry, he can't be playing with a full deck, right?
posted by J'myle 10:26 PM
Personal Log, 14121.0 -
I have decided that the next date I go on will not fit the standard dating template of American dating. The general steps - meet, hang, kiss - are in the wrong order. Now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't date, and get it on with people, even with the people you've known for quite a while.
The problem is, sex is an X factor. Hopping into bed changes the way people react and relate, and it is impossible to predict with complete accuracy what those changes might be. Dates should therefor begin with getting it on. That way, the night can be productively spend deciding if this new, post getting it on relationship is worth pursuing.
If you've just met someone, what's the point of getting to know a complete stranger for just one or two evenings, then changing all the rules of that relationship? It's pointless.
If you're considering taking a long-standing friendship to a romantic level, going on a traditional date is just plain depressing. You know, like a last meal. If you have to savior your last night as just firends, you probably shouldn't be getting it on in the first place. If you're just a little bit nervous, dragging it out only gives people more time to find an excuse to avoid something you might both be thinking is a good idea.
I think the people who don't want to risk sex changing their relationships just because, yes, sex could ruin a friendship... well, I feel that way sometimes. But if we're not willing to take risks, what's the point?
posted by J'myle 10:13 AM
Sunday
Personal Log, 14120.8 -
Angst and uncomfortable week is over. I decree it.
There was the dance concert. It was angsty because I was being half a stage manager without really stage managing, and I don't think that was the right call to make. It was uncomfortable because of all that had to be done with the lights, and we still didn't have enough lights.
I saw Andy again. It was angsty because he's my ex. It was uncomfortable because I had to find a way to work on a professional level with him despite all the angst.
On friday I spent half an hour at a bus stop on 7200 S & State. It was angsty because I was afraid I had missed the last bus, and was trapped at 11:45 fifty city blocks from home. It was uncomfortable because the bus stop was in front of a parking lot where "Christian Bible & Gifts" is side-by-side with "Hooters." Really.
Today (Saturday) was the beginning of happy and comfortable week. This is incontrovertiable.
I worked my first shift at work in three and a half weeks. This was happy because I was getting paid for the first time in quite some time, and I was running low on cash. This was comfortable because it comforts me immensely to know that the people I talk to at work live hundreds, even thousands of miles away.
I got to do some NPCing at Mythic today. This was happy becuase I got to hit people with sticks. A lot. This was comfortable because people I had never met before were guaranteed to be geeky enough to get my Star Trek refrences.
I spent some time with Mike. This was happy because I almost always have a good time with Mike, and there's always a plethera of possibilites when I'm with him. This was comfortable because I feel like no matter what happens (or fails to happen) when I'm with Mike, I'll walk out of it with no regrets.
It's not healthy to live one's entire life sheltered and ignorant. But, every once in a while, it feels damn good to be happy and comfortable.
posted by J'myle 3:17 AM
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